Learn About the Wheel of Consent
Essential Sex Education for Adults to Improve Intimacy
con·sent
/kənˈsent/
noun
- permission for something to happen or agreement to do something:
- “No change may be made without the consent of all the partners”
verb
- give permission for something to happen:
- “He consented to a search by a detective”
The current conversation around consent focuses a lot (necessarily) on consent and sexuality. In light of the Me Too and similar movements, the two have become inextricably linked.
Painfully few of us have received the necessary education or training around consent or boundaries to bring them successfully into our relating. Therefore many of our interactions are (inadvertently) murky, invasive, and even harmful.
One of my favorite consent educators (and beloved teacher and colleague) is none other than Betty Martin, creator of the Wheel of Consent and author of the book The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent.
For over 30 years Betty has worked as a hands-on professional, across a number of diverse fields.
Her many years as a healer and guide helped her to realize that people – both clients and practitioners alike – were sorely lacking the skill and the vocabulary to ask for what they need and want as well as the ability to articulate what they’re available to give.
Thus was born the Wheel of Consent.
The key concept of the Wheel Of Consent is radical.
It does not simply teach that consent is a good idea; rather, it offers a practical way to distinguish between who is doing (a.k.a. giving or serving) and who the serving is for (who is receiving or, in Wheel of Consent language, who is ‘accepting’).
This level of clarity creates safe agreements for truly consenting exchanges – in any type of environment or interaction.
The process is never about pushing through and trying to like something you don’t like. It’s about learning to trust yourself and your limits and be true to yourself and your limits.
All of this creates ease, clarity, and confidence in your relationship with yourself as well as in your relationship with others.
Here’s an excerpt from pg. 49 of Betty’s book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent about two of our favorite topics: Touch and Sex.
“Sex. Our need for sex is not for sexual activity but for sexual expression. If we have touch and sex conflated, when we feel our need for touch, we interpret it as a need for sex. At best this is incomplete and at worst disastrous. For many people without sexual partners, this means not getting any touch at all, which is a terrible loss. For those with sexual partners, it often means if we aren’t in the mood for sex, we don’t risk touching at all. Also a terrible loss.
If touch is about getting to sex and sex is about getting to orgasm, then touch becomes strategic, designed to produce a result. Sometimes this works, But something is lost. If you can’t experience touch without thinking it’s sex, then your sex isn’t really about sex either. It is trying to use sex to meet all those other needs – comfort, connection, affirmation, sensuality, affection, re-creation – and touch.
In the Wheel of Consent, I encourage you to experiment with touch that’s not about sex for several reasons. First, so you can tell the difference. So you can meet your need for touch with, well, touch. Second, you will open a whole new world of possibility about ways to touch that are more satisfying, in many ways, than sex. Third, because trying to learn the (parts of the Wheel of Consent) with sexual touch doesn’t work; your habits are too strong. Finally, because the quality of your touch is a very big factor in the quality of your sexual activity. It’s not the only factor, but it is a significant one, and to become very good at touch, you pretty much have to start with touch that is not about sex. When you do that, your touch gets better – and your sex also gets better.”
The Wheel of Consent is an invaluable tool!
Imagine what becomes possible in your living and loving when you are clearly able to express your desires, your limits, and to ask for what you really, really, really want!
P.S. Learn more about Betty and the Wheel of Consent at www.bettymartin.org
P.P.S. I offer personally curated sessions in the context of Your Erotic Evolution through which I teach about the Wheel of Consent. We will practice the fundamentals through a game called “The Three Minute Game.” Contact me for more details.
