The Art of Desire: How Fear Shapes Our Needs and Keeps Us From Asking for What We Want

In over ten years of relationship coaching and sex education, I’ve heard a tremendous number of people speak about difficulty with asking for what they want. Not unusual. We live in a world that spurns and judges desire; we carry that hostility inside us, hiding from it both from ourselves and our partners. Almost all of my clients seek out my tantric coaching and tantra therapy for an exploration of their relationship with their desires. What they soon learn is that desire and fear go together. There is always an accompanying fear when we are moving closer to asking for what we want.

Why? What makes it so hard to actually express our real needs, wants, and curiosities?

The answer is exactly this fear. Fear interferes with our desires more than anything else. In this article we will look at how fear greatly impacts (and often interrupts) our connection with desire, what “desire smuggling” is, and how to start opening up to openly and courageously ask for what we want.

Why We Don’t Ask for What We Want

Most people aren’t honest about what they want. And if you’ve ever held back from asking for what you want, don’t worry-you are in good company. There are a zillion reasons people don’t ask for what they want:

Not knowing what to ask for: At times we haven’t explored our desires deeply enough to even know what they are.

Lack of language: It’s very difficult to talk about desires when the words just don’t come.

Fear of rocking the boat: Many believe, “Things are fine, why should I complicate them by asking for more?” But fear is the biggest culprit of all.

Let’s look at the varieties of fear that keeps from asking for what we want.

The Fear That Holds Us Back
We smuggle our desires for one primary reason: fear of what might happen if we were really candid with what we wanted, really honest:

Fear of rejection: What if they say no? What if they do not want the same thing?

Fear of judgment: Will my lover find me weird? What might they say about my wanting something unusual?

Fear of humiliation: I may be laughed at, mocked, or dismissed.

Fear of disappointing others: Asking for what I want may make my partner feel inferior.

Fear of guilt or shame: Some part of the human condition has taught most of us to be ashamed about wanting things in general, but especially if they have something to do with sexuality.

Fear of hurting our partner: Sometimes asking for what we want might feel selfish, as if we are putting our needs before our partner’s.

It is a fear of failure: What if asking for what I want does not lead to satisfaction? Is it worth risking the relationship or me?

The world, especially when it comes to desire, isn’t kind. We’ve been taught to hide our wants to protect ourselves from these fears.

The Concept of Desire Smuggling

But when fear controls our desires, we find ways to get what we want, without even asking; that’s “desire smuggling”. We hide our true desires from both ourselves and our loved ones, using indirect and often unhealthy strategies to get pieces of what we are craving. Desire smuggling is so widespread, and we all do it to a certain extent. It’s a way of managing risk—keeping our desires hidden so we won’t have to face the rejection or judgment that terrifies us.

Examples of Desire Smuggling Include:

Hinting at what you want instead of asking directly.
Expecting your partner to “read your mind.”
Saying “people like…” rather than owning your desires.
Getting drunk or high to lower inhibitions.
Ad-libbing to establish the effect that “something just happened.”
Playing the emotions to draw attention and affection.
Sending articles related to the subject in which you desire attention instead of communicating about it.
Playing the victim, being hurtful, or playing guilt when their needs are not fulfilled.

A few of these manipulations seem small and harmless, others can cause significant damage in relationships. In other words: When we conceal our desires, we’re not really living in authenticity with ourselves, nor our partner.

Why We Smuggle Desire

We smuggle desire because, at least sometimes, it feels like the safest strategy of all. It can be a way of protecting ourselves against the fear of rejection, judgment, or loss. These behaviors are a rational response to a world that devalues and shames desire. However, if these strategies are pursued in the short-term as a means of safety, they often don’t deliver satisfaction in the long run. Hiding your desire might just delay the final disappointment of not fulfilling your needs.

How to Recognize Desire Smuggling in Yourself

Reflect on your behavior in relationships. Do you openly declare what you want or secretly hide them in creative ways? Some common signs include:

You hint instead of speaking your mind about what you want.
You feel resentful when your partner fails to pick up on the signals you are sending out.
You rationalize why your needs really don’t matter.
You wait for a “right moment” that never seems to come.
You avoid conversations because they feel too risky for you.
The way out of smuggling desire is first being aware of when and how you are smuggling.

Leaving Smuggling Behind and Moving to Asking

So how do we stop hiding what we want and start asking for it? Here are some steps to help you shift from fear and smuggling to honesty and openness:

Acknowledge your fear: It’s okay to be afraid. Fear of judgment, rejection or hurt is natural. The first step is recognizing that fear is at the heart of why you haven’t asked for what you want.

Identify your desires: Take time exploring what it is that you really do want. This can take time, particularly if you have hidden your desires from yourself for a long time. Tantra therapy is an amazing tool for uncovering what those hidden desires are, hidden in a safe and loving space.

Find the language: If you cannot say what you need, find a trusted friend, a therapist or a tantric coach to practice with you. Learning how to clearly and shamelessly state your needs is the key.

Build safe space: If you feel it is a good time, ask what you want in an environment that feels safe and supportive and clear in this openness. This may be a partner : Carve out time to talk about wants deeply.

Gradually take it: If seeking what you want scares you this much, start with little things. Then, the more you have practice in being this transparent and honest, the more confident you will become over time.

The Power of Desire in Tantra Therapy

With a tantra therapist or tantric sex coach, you can connect with your desires in a judgment-free environment. This might seem to be a pretty difficult search if you are seeking tantra therapy near me, but this practice opens a way to connect to your desires in a much more authentic and courageous way.

With tantra, you’ll learn how to bring in your desires into your relationships, how to apologize to the indirect behaviors of your past, and create a new foundation of trust and openness.

Final Thoughts: Be Gentle with Yourself

Remember that when you are caught smuggling desire, it is not a time for self-criticism. It’s a clue-it is a sign that something has interest, and you deserve to explore it.

The Time to Stop Hiding is Now Your desires are valid, and when you learn how to clearly and confidently convey them, you will find deeper connections with both yourself and the people you love.