What is the Sexual Shadow?

The shadow is the part of ourselves that we hide, suppress, push away. These include our desires, urges, and fantasies we might be ashamed of or fear speaking about. Our unexplored, unintegrated shadow can cause emotional blockages and even intimate distance from a partner, as well as, sometimes, from oneself. But if we let go of suppressing our sexual shadow, allowing it to enter our consciousness, then we experience not only greater intimacy but also a more fulfilling sexual life.

Often, as an intimacy therapist, I work with people who are riddled with guilt or fear due to experiences or misunderstandings they have about their sexuality. Usually, these feelings come from some combination of early life conditioning, cultural taboos, and experiences where we’ve been taught to suppress parts of our sexual identity. In intimacy coaching, I help you unpack those layers of shame and judgment so you not only accept but celebrate your whole sexual self.

Why Must We Confront Our Sexual Shadow?

Denying or repressing the sexual shadow doesn’t make it go away. In actuality, it festers when denied or repressed, and will often manifest as sexual impotence, relationship problems, or self-destructive behaviors / repeated patterns. Our shadow is often in our blind spots, meaning though it may be apparent to others, we may not see it or recognize it as the origin point of challenges in our lives. Often we need something like couple’s therapy or individual intimacy coaching to bring out attention to whatever has been keeping us in a place of ”shadow avoidance”.

In my work as an intimacy therapist, I emphasize the strength of vulnerability. I empower people to realize that their secret desires are a very valid and valuable part of who they are as people. In intimacy therapy for couples, couples often find that their individual shadows have been causing them to disconnect on emotional and sexual levels in their relationship. Together we co-create space for honesty so that, together, a couple may come to understand each other far more deeply and rekindle their sexual connection from a place of clarity, not shadow.

 How Do I Get Started Exploring My Sexual Shadow?

An intimacy therapist and coach like myself can help you begin the journey of sifting through all the elements of our life that society has conditioned you to believe are shameful and must remain hidden. The journey may be tender or even painful at first. However,  whether you are working one-on-one with me or in tandem with your partner, you will swiftly realize that the transformation of your shadow and your patterns of the past can be immensely rewarding, 

Some ways to start include the following: 

– Self-reflection: Take some time to journal about your sexual fears and fantasies. Such private explorations can help you to intentionally begin identifying your shadow desires and fears.

– Communication: Relationship time can offer the best opportunity for you to disclose your emotions to your partner. 

– Self-compassion: Working with shame you feel about your sexual desires will take time. This is a journey, and intimacy coaching and tantric sex therapy can ease you into embracing all of yourself.